Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
