i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
