so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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