she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
