Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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