It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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