Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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