I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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