Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
