When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
