yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
