Whoa Z and x make the same sound
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
