We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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