You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
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I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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