So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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