It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
