all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
