Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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