Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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