My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
