false alarm. still invincible.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Hello my rib-scented angel!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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