I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
