the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
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Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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