Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
