When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
