my mouth tastes like poor choices
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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