at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I need to align my fucking chakras
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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