as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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