Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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