im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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