My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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