The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
