I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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