Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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