I wish my penis had an off switch
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
