Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Btw I puked in your glovebox
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
