Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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