worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
