I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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