how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
