They should really pass out barf bags in church
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
