I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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