Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.