I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying