My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The power of my boobs compel you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize