all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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