oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
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He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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