the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It all started with a game of naked twister.