You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I will pee on everything he values.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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