Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now