I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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