Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
