I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
