farters have to be the big spoon...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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