so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
