i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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