first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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