Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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