I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
