I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
