My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I looked at my own cervix.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My vagina is officially offended.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
