There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
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She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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