I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
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I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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