When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
